HOLES IN THE WALL

At the Reframing Profession Practice conference, we heard from Al Coates. Al’s own work, research, and lived experience of child-to-parent abuse brought to the fore some of the challenges facing dads in particular.

Living with a child with complex needs and behaviour that reflects that struggle can be challenging. That’s polite and palatable language for what is often messy, difficult and scary behaviour, aggression, shouting, threats, hitting, property destruction to name a few manifestations. 

Thankfully there’s a growing understanding of the behaviour that many families’ experience. Far from being a simply monolithic behaviour or a lazy stereotype the manifestation of this challenging behaviour can be complex and nuanced. One of the most refreshing aspects of the CPA Reframing Professional Practice conference was the opportunity to look closer at areas within this sphere and to that end I was asked to speak to my personal experience as an adoptive dad as well as to the direct work I do with adoptive dads living with children’s whose behaviour can be aggressive and violent. 

Broadly dads remain in a small minority in terms of primary carers for children and within my experience that includes adoptive parents. Mums do the heavy lifting and we know that when we look at children’s negative behaviour it is predominantly, though not exclusively, directed at mums.

That’s not the focus of this post but it’s important to understand the broader contexts. Dads do often witness violence and aggression as well as being victims of it. Simple biology means that dads may not feel as physically vulnerable when behaviour manifests. That may be simple biology but it also may reflect mens experience of violence or the lack of it in their lives. But witnessing people you love and care for being hurt or living in an environment can be just as challenging. Impacts on mental and physical health with nervous systems set to alert constantly. 

Many models of support are built by women and for women and that is wholly right but there also need to be a place for dads to talk plainly and directly to their experience. But as one dad said to me ‘when I’m in a group with my wife and she’s talking I just stay quiet, I see things differently but in a room full of women that’s not the place I can share my experience’. 

That’s not to blame women but it is perhaps an indicator of why men are less present in those spaces. There are other reasons, generally men express themselves in different ways and, as said, have different experiences. 

At the conference I was given the opportunity to unpack all of the above and more. I spoke of the rawness of the peer conversations and the challenges of breaking down taboos and the isolation that dads feel. 

The challenges that parents face are often universal, stigma, shame, isolation and stress to name the obvious. How parents and carers experience these challenges is influenced by a myriad of factors but it’s clear that we need to create spaces where everyone can not only share but to look around the room and listen to experiences and voices that reflect our own.  

Al now runs an online support service, alongside Beacon Services, for adoptive Dads living with child-to-parent abuse. You can find out more here: Dads Support Group – West Midlands and UK