Tag Archives: CPV

Child to parent violence and adoption disruption: Learn on the go

Learn on the go is a Community Care Inform series of podcasts, “where we discuss what the latest research findings mean to your practice”. The first episode of the series considers the issue of adoption disruption, summarising the research and discussing what can be learned from it. It includes interviews with Julie Selwyn, and Elaine Dibben, looking particularly at the groundbreaking report: Beyond the Adoption Order, as well as other linked papers. The website gives a fuller summary of the discussion, with timings and full references. Child to parent violence is unsurprisingly a big part of the discussion!

 

Finding this has inspired me to set up a new page which will offer links to audio and visual resources. I will continue to add to it as I find anything, so please send your own suggestions. Many thanks as always.

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#CPV: What does it look like, part 3. “It happened again tonight”

I am publishing this twitter thread from September 10th, with permission from Ian, who tweets as @DiaryAutism.

I think it adds something to the recent musings about the intent issue, and about the different issues for families where there is an autism diagnosis (here and here for instance); and leaves absolutely no room for any doubt about how it feels, for this person, to be a parent in that situation.

 

The most powerful emotion I have ever felt is the love for and desire to protect my children

It’s not that I’d take a bullet for them. It’s that I’d run through a brick wall to take a bullet for them

Parental love is all consuming and utterly life changing. Nothing else comes close

So when that love is repaid with violence it causes a great deal of cognitive dissonance. Just what the F is happening?

Of course it’s love you want to respond with, your child is not lashing out, they’re in distress. They need a hug from Dad

Which is exactly the opposite of what they want. In that moment, for whatever reason, you are not Dad. You are a target

E normally leads with the head. Not normally a butt, but something to push you away

But you can’t get away because he’s advancing on you and is normally digging his finger tips into your forearms

I say fingertips rather than nails because we’ve learnt the hard way to keep those bad boys short

By this point your soothing voice and pleas to calm down are drowned out by his screams. Screams that bare his teeth. Now it gets scary

Both your hands are busy trying to control his scratches, and he tries to bite you. How do you stop it?

A lot of the time you don’t and you let him sink his teeth into a part of your arm that has long since calloused up

Why? Because it gives you a momentary chance to get hold of something that might distract him. A toy, some food – anything.

By this point adrenaline is flooding your body and Fight or Flight has well and truly kicked in.

What to do? Flight? No chance! That’s my boy; he’s upset! I’ve got to stay and help

Fight? It’d be a lie to say that fighting back isn’t an enormously strong desire, especially if my wife or other children are at risk

But that parental lock kicks in – I’m not going to hurt him, therefore the only choice is to let him hurt me

And then – it’s over. Whatever caused the outburst has disappeared as quickly and as mysteriously as it took over

E will return to normal within a few moments and more often than not will be smiling before you’ve stopped bleeding

The welts, cuts & bruises are the least of your worries now though as that adrenaline you didn’t use to Fight or Flight floods your emotions

The worst part isn’t when it’s happening, it’s the powerlessness you feel afterwards. In feeling that love thrown back so brutally

We’ve had a bad weekend. 2 violent incidents, the first of which resulted in a short trip to hospital for me

But it’s a bad weekend on the back of a pretty good summer. I honestly can’t recall the last time this happened & that is such a good thing

It just goes to show; we’ll never not love him, he’ll never be able to control it always & we’ll never be truly out of the woods /end

Reading other threads, and other commentary, I am very aware that other families may not share the strength of conviction that Ian articulates. It is important that we do not build unhelpful levels of expectation, nor that we rush to heap further shame and pain on those who may experience things differently. 

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Summer #CPV harvest

I am often asked how I come across the news, articles and publications that I tweet and blog about, in relation to child to parent violence (CPV). My original rationale for this site was along the lines of  “I do it so you don’t have to”, but of course things are never that straight forward, and the truth is much more like “we do this together”. But here goes: Continue reading

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Child to parent violence and abuse at Community Care Live 2017

 

 

I am thrilled to announce that I will be speaking about child to parent violence and abuse at the Community Care Live 2017 conference in London on September 26th, along with Al Coates. As one of the flagship social work events of the year, this is a real privilege, and it feels like an important milestone in the development of awareness and better support for families.

We will be presenting on why CPVA happens, and how to respond when a family seeks help.

  • What research tells us about risk factors associated with child to parent violence, and what the most common ages are for abuse to start.
  • How the abuse affects parents, and what they want from social workers and services.
  • The different issues raised when child to parent abuse emerges as an issue for a child who has been adopted, or is in a foster care, kinship care or special guardianship placement.
  • How social workers and services can support families experiencing violence or abuse.

Do come along and say hello (and hear us speak!) We have the early slot on the Tuesday, so no excuses!

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Child to parent violence: an unhelpful phrase?

Once upon a time, when I didn’t know so much about “parent abuse” it seemed a little exciting to be at the forefront of a new phenomenon. It felt important to speak clearly and categorically, for clarity, and the avoidance of misunderstanding – which was commonplace. “Parent abuse? You mean abuse BY parents? No? You must mean older people then?” Now it seems that the more I learn, the less certain I am about anything – other than the fact that many, many more parents than we would like to think about are struggling daily with much, much more than anyone should ever have to face within their family. Continue reading

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#CPV: What does it look like, part 2. Intent stuff

One of the issues that makes it difficult for us all to talk about child to parent violence and abuse is the fact that there is no one agreed definition. The one I tend to use when speaking to people is that proposed by Amanda Holt:

“A pattern of behaviour, instigated by a child or young person, which involves using verbal, financial, physical and /or emotional means to practice power and exert control over a parent”, and “the power that is practised is, to some extent, intentional, and the control that is exerted over a parent is achieved through fear, such that a parent unhealthily adapts his / her own behaviour to accommodate the child.” Continue reading

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Breaking the Silence on Violent Challenging Behaviour: a conference review

Last week I brought you the reflections of Dr Girish Vaidya, who had attended the Violent Challenging Behaviour conference, organised by Yvonne Newbold. The post has attracted some interesting discussion. This week Yvonne has kindly allowed me to repost her own reflections and review of the conference.

Yvonne begins by recounting the hopes of those attending, and ends with her own dream that this, by breaking the silence, will be just the start. “Part of achieving this level of widespread acceptance must include training for all frontline professionals about the issue, and why it happens and how they can help. Ideally, I’d like to see a future where professionals and parents work together in a spirit collaborative respect to find individual support and solutions that work for each child.” There are some salutary lessons for professionals in her post. Please do read it and understand that this is the real experience of many parents, while we always acknowledge that there are also informed, compassionate practitioners already out there who do truly “get it”.

What did parents want? Continue reading

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