Category Archives: Discussion

April 15, 2024 · 9:49 am

A new way of thinking: The Explosive Child

I was first recommended this book by Kate Iwi in 2018, and reminded of it again reading the recent paper from Nikki Rutter.

Greene offers a new way of thinking about “behaviourally challenging children”, and about their parents, which prompts a different response to their behaviour from the adults around them. While he uses the term ‘Explosive’ in the title, he admits to being a little unhappy with it as he finds the challenging behaviour to be often predictable, and also often ‘implosive’. Nevertheless, it will chime with many families, who will recognise the behaviours described within its pages. Greene lays out ‘Plan B’ in easily digestible steps as a way forward in the journey to restoring peace and safety in the home. With many examples both of the behaviour, and scripts to follow, this is a book that you could comfortably read in a couple of sessions – but don’t! With resources to download and homework to do you will be referring to this over a longer period of time.

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February 20, 2024 · 10:38 am

The experiences of families caring for children with FASD: “no one came to help”

It is suggested that the prevalence of foetal alcohol spectrum disorders (FASD) is greater than autism, and yet there remains significantly less understanding of this issue, information for families and practitioners, and support for those impacted by the condition. In 2023, Waite and Burd reported that “At an estimated prevalence of up to five percent in the general population, fetal alcohol spectrum disorders (FASD) are the most common neurodevelopmental disorder”.

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January 31, 2024 · 10:03 am

Learning from the internet

We are only just coming to the end of January, but it has been interesting already to read a number of papers which have been published online this month. Two particularly attracted my attention: that from Harries, Curtis, Skvarc, Benstead, Walker and Mayshak, and also this one from Cortina and Holt – ‘This is what happens to people who don’t spank their kids’: An analysis of YouTube comments to news reports of child to parent violence.

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November 6, 2023 · 4:33 pm

Finding the right words: what I meant

We often think about the language we use in work with families where there is harmful behaviour from children, but more usually in terms of what we call it (see this sentence!) or the terms we use to describe the various family members involved. This week I have been reflecting on the difficulties that arise when the language we use as professionals is different to that used by parents. I have written about this before, and included a reference in my book to a blog by Raising Devon where the author talks about the difficulties in getting help while she referred to her child’s behaviour as “tantrums” rather than “rages”.

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August 21, 2023 · 6:29 pm

Deprivation of Liberty stories

Summer is the time that I catch up on reading all the research papers and news articles that I have been storing on my laptop; and so I have finally found the space to pull some thoughts together. One thing that has particularly caught my eye over the last months has been the reporting on the rise in the number of vulnerable young people subject to Deprivation of Liberty (DoL) Orders.  

Children and Young People Now has run a number of articles about this, examining the reasons for the sharp rise in orders (here), and analysing the growing gap in secure care provision (here), and in this piece from the beginning of August, looking at the impact on the young people themselves, often placed at great distance from their families and support systems, in unsuitable accommodation and in situations likely to increase their trauma and vulnerability rather than aid their recovery. 

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July 4, 2023 · 7:08 pm

How do we keep funding going?

In March 2013, at a conference in Nottingham, a speaker warned us: we cannot make this a new thing – we have to help people understand it as something that is already their responsibility.

Indeed, the use of harmful, violent and aggressive behaviours towards parents and carers is not a new phenomenon, but the way we interpret it and seek to bring help has changed significantly in even the last 20 years. Not so much now about the tyrannical child, or a behavioural challenge or poor parenting, as about connection, communication and seeking for control, about mental health and an understanding of the very real risks faced by some parents. At the time of that conference, there were few specialist services in existence, and organisations were just coming to realise the extent of how many families in the UK and around the world were affected by child to parent violence. 

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January 31, 2023 · 2:21 pm

#CPVA What about the Men?

We talk a lot about how child to parent violence and abuse disproportionately affects women – citing the ‘availability’ of mothers because of their particular caring responsibilities, and the societal messages that young people pick up. We talk about more boys than girls, and more young men than young women, using harmful behaviours – and indeed their behaviour being perceived as more harmful, or more likely to bring them to the attention of the police. These are real issues and ones which deserve our attention and our consideration.

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December 22, 2022 · 3:08 pm

Wishing you hope in the new year

Sometimes life doesn’t play out the way you hoped – or planned. For those living with children who use behaviour to express hurt, distress or anger, the reality can turn out to be very different. Those working in this field are getting hold of this idea properly and in that respect it’s been a good year – more awareness, more research, more funding and provision. But the truth remains that there is a long way still to go before everyone who needs it has access early on to support, in order to understand what is happening in their family and to make things safer and happier.

But I have to live in hope, however hard; and so I wish every family and everyone touched by CPV some hope for the new year. This time of year can feel very dark (in the northern hemisphere at least) but the light will grow stronger over the weeks ahead!

For myself, I look forward to continuing to build networks: to connect all those with an interest and curiosity; to linking up professionals and policy-makers to bring about system change; to bringing together people across continents to learn from eachother. This is your invitation to join the party! Get in touch. Tell us about your work. Share your own hopes and dreams. We cannot make the change on our own, but together we can do great things!

If you need help over the Christmas period, many services will have shorter hours and are closed some days. If you feel in danger then always consider calling the police or mental health services. Family Lives are closed 23rd – 27th December and 31st to 2nd January. The Samaritans will be open all over the holiday.

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September 25, 2022 · 3:08 pm

Agreeing terms: It’s only helpful if it’s helpful

I wonder whether it is a peculiarly British thing that we have taken so long to decide on both a name and a definition? There is the need to be inclusive and not to offend, but also a strong sense of digging in of heels at times! Which is perhaps how come we still have both a myriad of letters and words for this type of harmful behaviour, and a lack of agreement on who to include, whether it is one phenomenon or many, whether they need to be distinguished within a typology – and most recently – what the upper age range might be.

Of all the reasons that have been given for making sure we agree terminology in work in the area of child to parent violence and abuse, the one that stands out for me is that families, practitioners and policy makers all need to share – and own – the language used. If not, then we risk losing people along the way, unable to access help or to adequately explain their experience. A couple of different initials and we have lost a load of data. Failing to agree and we start to look like a divided community.

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June 21, 2022 · 8:33 pm

That piece in the Sunday Times

Last Sunday there was an article in the Sunday Times, by Megan Agnew, titled “We had to hand our adopted child back – we had no choice.” The article is behind a paywall and I appreciate it may not be accessible to everyone, so I can tell you that it includes material from interviews with a number of adoptive parents, from Adoption UK, Nigel Priestley, Professor Stephen Scott and a spokesperson from the Department for Education. It talks about the changes in the adoption system over the years, about the need for support for families from the very start of the process because of the early experiences of children, and the tragic circumstances of families who no longer feel able to provide safety and security for their children and the rest of their family. Some of the families concerned were able to access support that was helpful, some went on to ask Children’s Services to accommodate their child under s20. In some situations this was seen as a success story; in others the plight of the child and the family became even worse. Essentially the piece is highlighting the need for proper support for adoptive families to enable them to stay safe and stay together; the reality of child to parent violence for many families driven by trauma and mental health difficulties; and the post code lottery of support available. In that sense it is not a new story, but by retelling it there is a hope that one day things might improve.

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