Category Archives: Discussion

Listening: the most important thing?

Time and time again, when I ask parents what is the most important thing in the help that they have received, I am told that it is when someone has listened. Really listened. So when I saw this Clare in the Community cartoon strip from Harry Venning my first impulse was to contact him for permission to use it to illustrate a blog post.

In truth though, it’s hard to know what can be added to make the point any better or stronger! So I leave you with it as it stands. Enjoy – and listen!

(Harry publishes a calendar each year with a collection of  the best strips. Do check it out!)

clare itC

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A watershed for PDA awareness: My child is not naughty!

There has been rather an emphasis on the impact of domestic violence or trauma on here recently, and so I thought it was time to redress the balance and consider the presentation of violence and abuse to parents from children on the Autistic Spectrum. Today I bring you a guest post from Jane Sherwin, who I first met on twitter writing about life with her daughter, Molly. Jane has become something of an expert on the condition, campaigning, blogging, and publishing a book in 2015. Continue reading

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The use of section 20 placements in CPV

This post follows on from a small discussion I took part in on twitter on June 2nd, itself emerging from a conference asking Is the Child Protection System Fit for Purpose? #CPConf2015 (Sadly one which I did not attend.) There are numerous write-ups of the conference available on line. The organisers have one here. You can read one from a parent who took part here.

This is about an issue that I would like to understand more as it effects real people (rather than in a theoretical way), and I’m relying on you all to help me: the use of section 20 placements (Children Act 1989) when parents seek support with an abusive child from Children’s Services.  It seems to me that this would be an important part of a tiered response, and yet I hear very negative comments about the implementation.  Through my own experience, through listening to people, particularly on twitter (but also “real life”) I have conjured up a series of statements and questions as a starter for debate. So here goes …. Continue reading

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The Adoption Social: Listening to and supporting each other

One of the particular groups of people I follow on twitter has been the adoption community. Early on in my exploration of children’s violence to parents, and more especially after publication of the report Beyond the Adoption Order, I become aware that families living with children they had adopted were facing sometimes extreme levels of violence and that it often felt different to other forms of CPV. Often times it involved children as young as three or four, and could clearly be linked back to experiences of trauma: neglect, violence, abandonment, multiple placements, and the cutting of familial ties. These were children demonstrating anger, grief, frustration and most of all fear, and – as with all CPV – there was very little being offered in the way of support. A few tentative steps are now being taken in developing therapies and support packages for families, but one of the key things that has enabled people to keep caring, to keep going at all, has been the friendships, advice and care forged online. Continue reading

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“Cases of children abusing their parents has soared by 60% in two years”

People have been much exercised over recent weeks by an apparent huge rise in the number of younger and younger children being involved in serious crime; and bundled in with this is the issue of these children’s violence and abuse towards their parents. Both the Daily Mail and Telegraph published items around this theme, and I saw the same story covered by the website Dad info.

What are we to make of this?

First, we must be cautious about the meaning we ascribe to crime statistics, as to any data. Crime figures have always been affected by reporting behaviour (of both victims and police), societal attitudes (some would like to attribute it to parents giving up their parenting responsibilities to the state), by targeted programmes, categorisation, and also – certainly in the past – by the practice of “manipulation”. The figures, too, come on the back of reported “very large reductions in serious youth violence” in the previous year, reported also by the Youth Justice Board, in January of this year; though there may be some localised variations in this. Scepticism is important, but we need to also acknowledge real changes society, such as an increase in the use of children by gang members seeking to evade the law themselves, or to the impact of different exclusion policies adopted as the picture of school governance changes across the country, which may act to drive up figures of real crime. Continue reading

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Thinking about Education

Something a bit different for a change today inspired by a compilation of essays on education, The Connected School from ncb.

If you are put off by a blog about schools, by all means look away now; but having been involved in direct work with families in schools for over 17 years, this is something that I feel strongly about; and of course children spend a huge proportion of their lives within the school gates. We need to get this right if we are to foster healthy, happy learners. For those anxious for a link with child to parent violence here, I would draw attention to the way that many children have been found to bottle up their stress at school, taking it out on parents once they reach the “safe” confines of home. Continue reading

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Non Violent Resistance

Non-Violent Resistance, as a response to child to parent violence, has attracted considerable attention and support among the adoption community, so I was pleased to come across this blog from Frogotter, outlining their experience of attending an NVR course with Peter Jakob.

frogotter's avatarfrogotter's Blog

We were pretty excited about attending a course on Non Violent Resistance. It was run by Adoption UK and had Peter Jakob speaking. Violence has become our biggest concern with the boys. Not really because they’re getting worse, if anything they are getting better at handling their impulses. But, as they get larger and stronger, any violence at all starts to be a bit worrying. So, a day course about dealing with aggression without getting aggressive sounded perfect.
I’d already read a book about it, but I was concerned that it seemed aimed at parents of older children, and wasn’t entire applicable to us, yet.
On the other hand, some of the ideas sounded different to things I’ve read in other books, and that was rather exciting!
So, we turned up hopeful, but not expecting much.
The first thing I always look for from an expert is what they…

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Child to parent violence and abuse: a legal question

In March 2013, the UK government extended the definition of domestic violence and abuse, to include coercive control and to capture those affected by peer teen abuse in the 16 and 17 year old age group; a response to growing evidence of the prevalence of abuse in that group. Amid the celebration at the time, there was discussion about how this would impact those working in the field of child to parent abuse. Alongside a positive response to the recognition that violence and abuse takes place in relationships outside of those most widely recognised, concerns were raised about the importance of maintaining a safeguarding mindset when working in this field. Continue reading

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Support for adoptive families experiencing violence and abuse from children

The publication last April of the research report: Beyond the Adoption Order highlighted the urgent need within the adoption community for support around the issue of children’s violence to parents, and so I have been interested to follow how this is developing at both the large scale organisational, and more intimate networking, levels. Many adoption agencies offer training around the issue, specifically in Non Violent Resistance (NVR) a theory and technique first developed for this group by Haim Omer. Continue reading

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Lazy reporting could not spoil an opportunity to discuss parent abuse

This started off as a weary rant from me today and then changed tone as the day progressed!

While it has been exciting and encouraging to see the increase in coverage of child to parent violence and abuse in the media over the last week, I have been disappointed yet again by the tone of some of the pieces and the apparent laziness of reporting.

Times headline

The main headline in the Times, (you may not be able to read the next line, “Families cannot deal with minor domestic rows”)  today picks up on the report from Her Majesty’s Inspectorate of Constabulary into the welfare of vulnerable people in police custody, which has held centre stage across the media today. This highlights the often inappropriate use of custody for individuals experiencing poor mental health, or other vulnerabilities, because of a crisis in other support services; and while researchers have said that the findings show pressures faced by many families and carers, and the fact that the police are often used as the agency of last resort, the first example given – thus setting the tone – is of a dispute over a TV remote control. Other examples are given of greater severity of risk and violence. Parents are described as contacting the police because they reach breaking point. But there is no exploration of this issue in a wider way, other than to suggest lone women are finding it particularly difficult to bring up children. Continue reading

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