Author Archives: nikkirutter

International perspectives on CAPVA

Since retiring last year, I have continued to maintain a close interest in “Holes” and particularly the
idea of themes being developed through a number of different posts. Both Adoption and
Mothering have been covered recently, and we move on now to an exploration of “International
perspectives on CAPVA.”
I have been looking through old notes and blog posts thinking about the way awareness of both
the issue and – importantly – the work of people in other places has grown over the years. When I
wrote my Masters dissertation in 2006 I had come across some limited research papers from
Europe and Australia, the United States and Canada, as well as Japan, and news reports from
elsewhere around the globe; but there was a sense of breaking new ground and of being met with
scepticism and of isolation.
Writing in 2013, (https://holesinthewall.co.uk/2013/05/29/child-to-parent-violence-insights-fromspain/ ) I was aware that the research body was already much larger and that Spain in particular
had a rich library of work and had hosted an international conference in 2011 following a real
growth of interest around the world.
Since then, personal contacts, conferences and Google Alerts have brought to my attention the
interest and awareness across all continents. International research groups have formed. And of
course not just research but the realisation that this is indeed a worldwide issue, not confined to a
particular profile of parent or society. A realisation that causes both great excitement and great
sadness.
Recent publications (all listed on the Reading List page if you would like to peruse them) come
from Central and South America, different countries in Africa, western and eastern Europe, Asia,
China, as well as Australia and New Zealand. Different ways of organising society, different
models of family, different global circumstances, different levels of provision … new questions,
new angles, new learning.
Each new insight adds a new piece to the jigsaw puzzle as we strive – as a common community –
to understand the issue and most importantly to bring hope and healing to families.
I look forward to reading the posts over the next weeks as this new theme develops and hope you
will too. Please do join in the conversation – write something for us, let us know about other work,
add your comments

Helen Bonnick

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The right support

For the final part of our series on motherhood, we have a submission from ‘Kelly’, who found herself “rock bottom” in 2023…

“We now have a situation in which staff feel they are compelled to give your child exactly what he wants, on his own terms, in order to avoid an outburst.  He does not appear able to cope with a situation in which he does not get his own way.”

Email from my child’s headteacher, March 2023.

Just re-reading that email has brought back how I felt when I read it, prior to my son, age 7, being excluded from school due to his harmful impulses.  I felt at rock bottom – totally desperate and alone.  In the months that followed, I wasn’t sure we would ever be in a position where we could have any kind of quality of life.  My child was at home, with me, and I was left to manage these behaviours for the most part, alone.  I wasn’t sure how he would ever be able to access any kind of education.  I wasn’t sure what was going to happen to my job – something I had worked hard for and loved.  We were in a deep, dark hole and I could not see any way out.  My son had started to internalise that he was ‘bad’ and ‘naughty’ and I constantly felt judged as a parent (something which I now realise is a common, shared experience).

As I write this and reflect on a traumatic time, I feel very emotional.  How I felt then, could not be further from how I feel writing this today.

In September 2023, after 6 months away from education (which felt like such a long time, but now I speak to parents who have children in similar situations who have been out of school for years), my son joined an SEMH (Social, Emotional, Mental Health) primary school. To say that our experience with this school has been life-changing is not an exaggeration.

Going back to school, after a period of time away, is difficult for any child; especially for a child who associates education with a negative experience. Those first few weeks, getting him into school was tough. The difference? Professionals who understood his needs and supported him.  The difference for me – no longer getting at least one phone call a day (another shared experience, I’ve found, is the feeling of your heart sinking when you see ‘School’ flash up on your mobile!). 

We are now two years into our SEMH specialist education journey and my son is happy and confident. I always say we are now thriving, not just surviving. Here are our highlights:

  • Amazing, amazing, amazing staff.  Working with SEMH children isn’t easy.  The staff fully understand the needs of each individual child – in mainstream, it always felt like my child’s behaviour was something to be controlled, rather than understood, for the sake of the other children in the class. Smaller classes and more adults allow each child to focus on learning.
  • Opportunities – behaviour was such a concern that things like trips and experiences would be limited in mainstream.  SEMH school has allowed my son to fully partake in school life – the joy of seeing your child perform in a school Christmas production when you didn’t think that would ever be a possibility – or the confidence to send him away for a residential.  Just amazing!
  • Reflection – children are encouraged to reflect on harmful behaviour both in school and at home. I can communicate with school, so he is held accountable by a professional he respects.  We have benefitted from parent-school meetings with the parent support advisor, teachers and the CAMHS worker attached to the school. We discussed behaviour as a family and came up with a clear plan for home.  This has really supported our home relationships to be positive. I’ve never felt judged, only supported.
  • An opportunity to meet other parents in the same position.   

I hope that this post has demonstrated that it is possible, as both a parent and child, to come out of a dark place.  I’m sure we will face more challenges in the future but I now feel supported by professionals and able to face these.

I know not all families are lucky to have fantastic SEMH provision. I think it is so important to recognise that mainstream can not always provide this targeted intervention.  I believe that proper investment from the government in SEMH provision and staff, would support children who are at risk of exclusion or disengaging from school (and therefore more likely to be at home engaging in harmful behaviours that involve family or carers), to be happy, understand themselves and positively contribute to society.  It is my dream that all families can benefit from this in the way we have.

‘Kelly’ and her family are the perfect example of how small changes (such as an appropriate school provision) can have a profound impact on quality of life of a whole family. Do you have such positive examples? Do let us know if you do!

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1,000 children

It’s taken a little while to pull together some thoughts regarding the recent BBC article on the adoption crisis which has forced many children back into care: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c0kdv1x83gko

You can read Jane Griffith’s eloquent response on behalf of CAPA to this here: Jane’s response

This piece seems to solidify much of what we have spoken about over over two recent themes: adoption and motherhood. Whilst the focus of the article is very much on parents, and we should never minimise the impact on fathers (indeed we plan to have this as a focus soon!), it was Verity who was arrested after her son accused her of assault, it was Verity who felt suicide may be her only option for escape; and both parents were threatened with prosecution for abandonment. Overall, the piece is a frustrating demonstration of what adoption activists have been talking about for well over a decade. Why has so little changed?

The article is harrowing, and the journalism and efforts of the families to explore the complexity families are often having to juggle alone is done with sensitivity for everyone concerned. As Fiona Wells and PATCH frequently state, if the money is there to place children back into care, the money is there to support the families to prevent this from happening. Traumatised children and teenagers not only require, but deserve compassion and support, and by leaving this the sole responsibility of their adoptive parents means that trauma is prolonged and experienced vicariously.

In the article, Liam, a teenager who was returned to care reflects “I think if social services had sorted themselves out, and I think if we had sorted ourselves out, personally, we could have pushed through and maybe it would have been a different situation“. This is an important reflection by Liam, who recognises a family’s desire to improve their circumstances (“if we had sorted ourselves out“), but this cannot be done without services stepping in to provide the required support (“if social service had sorted themselves out“). Thus, this is not about blame, but about recognising the value of working together to support traumatised children and the parents who love them. If a 17 year old can understand that, why does the law find it so difficult?

John Stuart Mill (English philosopher) famously stated that a moral society can be judged by how it treats its most vulnerable. Reflecting on this idea in the context of the article, where traumatised children are left without intervention, and parents seeking support are threatened with police action… it’s a damning indictment of where we may and how far we have left to go.

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Mothering, a series

This series on motherhood has been incredibly evocative.

Mothering is often as much an identity as it is a title, and there is something deeply painful when things go wrong. Sophie Cero’s work captures this agony beautifully in her PhD work; that living with filial harm can feel like being stuck in a horror film, particularly as a mother. Artistic representations of child-to-mother conflict, violence, abuse have been captured in so many ways that it feels deeply meaningful that Sophie was able to capture this in a variety of artistic modalities… capturing more than words alone ever could.

The mother as both “the victim and creator of the problem” is also something captured in Kia Abdullah’s “what happens in the dark”, reviewed by Sarah Griffiths. Centralising the mother and her relationships within the story, brought to the fore the complexity of what it is to be a woman; to have a career, a marriage, friendships, a child and so many experiences that remain untold. Many experiences remain hidden and “child to parent violence and abuse” feels very much hidden by a woman who is trying to be the best in every aspect of her life. An experience which resonates with many mothers, I am certain.

Mothers often have to advocate for themselves and their child(ren), and having allies in this area is important. That’s why we were so please to see the Oxford University piece of Professor Rachel Condry. Rachel has been a firm supporter of mothers navigating justice systems and safeguarding systems. Her work has been ground-breaking in recognising the challenges experienced by mothers, and how much of the harm they endure is due to the position they need to take up as caregiver. This role of ‘mother’ is often viewed by services as their primary identity, ignoring the complexity of women. This subsumed mothering identity was also explored by Abi Jones in her heart-wrenching blog highlighting how important it was for her to make sense of what was happening to her and her children when services ignored her desperate need for help.

We will soon come to the end of our Motherhood series, but it is clear this will not be the end of us talking about mothers.

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A personal story

As part of our series on motherhood, we have the great privilege of hearing from Abi. This is a very personal story, and an important one to hear about.

Ten years ago exactly, I fled my comfortable, affluent south-west London home in the face of continued and increased physical violence, threats of violence, control and intimidation by my then 16-year-old son (his GCSE year) and verbal abuse from my then 19-year-old daughter (enduring her first year at university).  I fled because no one helped or explained what was actually going on, and my social circle had been stripped away by their father.  I was already estranged from my equally abusive family and, because I’d left my life partner, his too.

I fled because social services declared that “nothing had happened yet” when I phoned for immediate help (as recommended by social services )when I discovered two curved Swedish hunting knives under my son’s pillow and a copy of Andy McNab’s book, “The Good Psychopath’s Guide to Success”.  I fled because my GP wouldn’t come near.  I fled because six officers from the Metropolitan Police, who arrived at teatime in a small cul-de-sac, declared (after consulting with my children upstairs) that I was the problem and took my children away to be picked up by their dad for a few days, only for the very real and personal threats and/or indifference to continue, nevertheless.  Eventually, I left the country and “went travelling” for three months to try and make sense of the unimaginable.  I’m still working on that one.  Heartbreak and inner conflict doesn’t touch the sides.  However, at least I can now put it, when some people do ask what’s gone on, as “I exceeded my use-by date”. 

Only recently did I become aware of Helen Bonnick’s book, this website and, therefore, the other online resources and support systems that are out there.  It’s such an overwhelming relief to know I’m not actually alone with all this.  My latest GP practice and local mental health services are now very open to listening to my opinions and experience, rather than their analysis; which is a big leap forward, in my view.  That TV drama is also highlighting this cause is a great help in wording the unwordable.  I only have to ask, “Did you watch Adolescence?”

Ten years later, I’m grateful to be very alive, sane and healthy.  Many of us don’t make it, quite understandably, or become lost in the psychiatric system and/or — just as painfully — complete loneliness, exhaustion and alienation.  I’m glad to be contributing to this conversation and cause.  My MP listened to me recently and has presented my/our case in Parliament this session.  So, there will be a definition of CAPVA in the upcoming Violence Against Women and Girls strategy.  I’ve been promised continued updates and have offered my continued input, as I believe this should go far wider than VAWG, to include fathers as well.  However, it is, at least, a start and discussions are being had.

This is just a fraction of what I’d like to say, but I hope it resonates and might help you also make a bit of sense in the chaos of things.  Thanks for reading.

Abi Jones

Thank you to Abi for sharing her experience, and I hope by reading her story, you feel less alone if this is similar to your own experiences. The giant leaps forward in understanding that Abi highlight have only been possible thanks to the parents advocating for themselves and sharing their stories with those in a position to create change. We can only hope in the next 10 years we see an even greater shift thanks to women like her.

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From pubs to pioneer – Adolescent-to-parent violence research from Professor Rachel Condry

It was wonderful to see this piece on Professor Rachel Condry. Published by the University of Oxford, highlighting her journey into academia, her pioneering research into adolescent-to-parent violence, and her upcoming research project.

https://www.ox.ac.uk/pulse/politics-business-economy/rachel-condry

Rachel has been a long time advocate for challenging assumptions around family harm, a supporter of HITW, and we particularly like this quote from the piece

“‘What we need is for people to be asking the right questions and, for that to happen, the problem has to be named in policy and in local authority documents. Families shouldn’t automatically be seen as part of the problem. Professionals need the curiosity to understand what people are really experiencing.”

Let us know what you think.

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Book review – What Happens in the Dark, Kia Abdullah, 2025, published by HQ

We were very pleased to receive this book review to contribute to part of our mothering series.

Book Review

Helen [Bonnick] asked me to review this book because she knew I would enjoy the style. It’s a court room drama but with lots of other stories woven through. The author is compared favourably to John Grisham on the cover so that was a good omen! I read it in a couple of days, but that’s partly because I have some spare time at present. It was very gripping though and every time I put it down I was wondering what happened next. 

The characters are full of colour and very believable. I really warmed to some of them and wanted to carry on reading about their lives after the end of this story.

I knew that Helen had given the author some advice on the story line, as well as Penny Willis and Michelle John, and so I had an idea there would be a child to parent violence and abuse angle. Ostensibly it’s about a famous woman caught up in a domestic abuse tragedy. She is hiding so many things in her life, not just about the abuse, but also about her background and relationships. Even with my suspicions about what was really going on at home, I was intrigued how the twists and the great reveal would work out and I kept looking for little hints. Kia Abdullah really keeps you waiting though!

When it came at the end, I was pleased that here was a mainstream novel covering such an important issue, but a bit disappointed that it all felt a bit rushed and a bit like a lecture – giving facts and figures. Family violence like this is rarely straightforward and there was some thought about the different things that might have led the characters to behave as they did. It does portray a very particular aspect of child to parent abuse though, at the very extreme end, and not everyone will find it a comfortable read. If it opens up discussion and questions though that’s got to be a good thing! I would definitely recommend it both as a gripping read in its own right, and as a way of starting to think about what is happening behind closed doors in too many families around the country. 

Sarah Griffiths. 

https://www.hqstories.co.uk/books/what-happens-in-the-dark-kia-abdullah-9780008570026/

As Sarah states, it’s great such a high profile author is covering these themes, and we hope to see more stories exploring the very individual aspects of filial harm in the future.

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Sophie Cero PhD- Holes in the Wall update.

We last heard from Sophie Cero in October 2018 (https://holesinthewall.co.uk/2018/10/31/an-eye-for-detail-an-interview-with-sophie-cero/) when she was starting her Fine Art PhD, taking a unique approach to investigating the violence from a child to their parent. Now that this is completed, Sophie has written us an update and included some art work from the research. While other people have used art work as part of the therapeutic process, as a diary record, or as a method of illustrating research, this was the first time that the whole project has been undertaken from a visual point of view. 

You might find it helpful to reread the earlier blog first to remind yourself about her work.

Sophie is the first in our ‘mothering’ series, and we are happy to welcome her back to HITW

Explored through my artistic practice, in writing, film and objects, my Royal College of Art, PhD research project ‘Little Horror. At home with filial violence’, sought to make visible the maternal experience of CAPVA, which, as perhaps the last taboo, is one of the few instances where it is almost impossible for a mother to own and tell her own life story. Revealing it challenges the very nature of motherhood and places the mother in the role of both victim to and creator of the problem. Someone who she may love and fear simultaneously, and who above all, she wants nurture and to keep safe. To turn away from nurture and to reject the child for reasons of safety is almost impossible, every turn has a devastating consequence, every aspect of life into trauma in waiting, making the mother trapped in an impossible life with an impossible child. This mother must both protect and survive her child.

In the seven years of study, the most compelling finding I have encountered is how commonplace the experience is. When describing my research, I found it astounding how many people had had an encounter with it in some form, be it from a sibling, a neighbour or their own child. On the opposite side to this, I had several instances of open disbelief, of misunderstanding, of incredulity, with the listener being convinced that surely, I had mis-spoken, I must have meant the mother being abusive to her child. 

Working through art practice as opposed to more traditional research strategies, allowed me to develop my own methodology and to form an inquiry that would be hard, if not impossible to replicate through usual research gathering approaches. It allowed me to think around the spaces of events within the home, and to find common themes that occur within objects and places, and commonalities across different ages of mother and child. 

Finding no existing direct artistic representations, my research sought out contemporary parallels that held elements of the experience within them, in art, film and literature, taking a wide frame of reference from disparate sources ranging from Lacan to Family Guy. This study was initially underpinned by the idea of CAPVA being akin to ‘the maternal unheimlich’, considering Freud’s writing on The Uncanny, when viewed through a maternal frame. This led to the realisation that CAPVA bears resemblance to the horror film genre, relating to key elements such as ‘the scary place’, ‘the final girl’ and ‘the ominous atmosphere’. This applied to all horror tropes except for that which makes horror exciting, enticing and unpredictable, ‘the jumpscare’. Here the scares are expected and known.

I worked with existing testimonies from mothers that highlighted domestic objects as being integral to violence within the walls of the home, the objects acting as if witnesses to events. This methodology allowed for difficult stories to be retold and represented through a universalised, fictional birth mother and her (ungendered) child, Mymmy and Vic, as holders of trauma events.

I used a process of writing and diagrammatic drawing to analyse and represent the episodes of abuse, with the final outcome being to assimilate the ‘object events’ into a film script, which documents a day/18 year period of the relationship between Mymmy and Vic. It is my intention to further the research and to find funding to realise the film script in the near future.

Since embarking on the project in 2017, when research was sparse and awareness very limited, it is heartening to see that interest in the subject has increased and I hope this will continue.

Suggested Image(s)

Sophie Cero. Safeguarding wallpaper (Christmas edition) 2024

Sophie Cero. Object Event (crockery) 2021 – diagrammatic timeline drawing

Sadly it is not possible to read the final paper as it has been embargoed to protect those involved, but Sophie is on Instagram as sophie_cero and you can view more of her work there.

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Post-Adoption Support in Crisis: Families Speak Out 

If you are at all interested in Adoption and LinkedIn, you will already be aware of Claire Agius, a PhD student from Manchester Metropolitan University, who has recently submitted her PhD and kindly created a post on her emotionally-aware research with adoptive parents for the final blog on our adoption series.

Adoption is one route to permanence for children who cannot remain with their birth families. Many have lived through neglect, abuse, or significant early adversity. Adoptive parents step forward to provide stability and care, but they cannot heal trauma alone. When systems delay, misdirect, or fragment support, families are left carrying unbearable burdens, and the stability adoption promises is put at risk. 

My doctoral study explores the impact of raising a child with trauma on adoptive parents’ mental health and examines how systemic structures help or hinder families. Conducted between 2022 and 2025, the research combined in-depth interviews with adoptive parents and post-adoption professionals with a participatory, film-based process that enabled parents to revisit and re-interpret their own stories. Parents co-edited emotional “touchpoints” from their filmed interviews, first for emotional processing, and later for collaborative meaning-making. This innovative two-stage process revealed not only what families said in the moment, but how they later understood their struggles, providing rare insight into why problems persist across time. 

Methods and Approach 

The study engaged adoptive parents and post-adoption professionals across England. A distinctive feature was the use of filmed narrative interviews, later revisited with parents through an adapted Experience-Based Co-Design (EBCD) process. Parents co-edited their most painful or telling moments, “emotional touchpoints”, which became the basis for deeper reflection and co-analysis. Importantly, emotions often shifted between the first and second viewing: what was raw distress initially was later reinterpreted with new perspective. This temporal dimension offered a richer understanding of how families live with and make sense of ongoing struggles. 

Key Findings: Five Causal Mechanisms 

The research identified five systemic mechanisms that help explain why adoptive families encounter the same challenges again and again: 

Crisis-Led Logic → Invisible Early Struggle 

Services are triggered by visible breakdown, not early distress. Parents described desperate pleas for help that went unanswered until crisis loomed. Professionals echoed this dynamic, explaining that thresholds and funding criteria meant they were often forced into reactive rather than preventative roles. 

Unsupported Care Work → Relational Burnout 

Parents’ own emotional needs are rarely recognised. The relentless labour of advocating, soothing, and managing daily crises falls heavily on them, with little formal or informal support. Professionals noted that while therapeutic resources might be offered for the child, parental wellbeing was considered a lesser priority in post-adoption support planning. 

Mistrust and Marginalisation → Silenced Insight 

When parents seek help, they are too often met with suspicion or blame. Instead of being recognised as experts on their children, they are treated as the problem. Several professionals reflected on how mistrust erodes open communication, acknowledging that risk-focused cultures can silence parents’ perspectives. 

Systemic Fragmentation → Constant Bureaucratic Burden 

Families must navigate siloed services, repeated assessments, and defensive institutions. Parents spoke of becoming “experts by necessity” in order to access what their children required. Professionals described a fragmented landscape that left them struggling to coordinate support or act decisively across organisational boundaries. 

Service-Defined Progress → Residual Struggle 

Support is often withdrawn once narrow service criteria are met, even if families continue to struggle behind closed doors. Services may focus on keeping placements intact while overlooking the wider toll. Professionals described similar frustrations, noting that time-limited interventions often forced them to close cases prematurely, even when they suspected families would continue to need help. 

Impacts and Implications 

Together, these mechanisms explain why adoptive families experience persistent strain. Parents’ mental health suffers, siblings carry secondary trauma, and placements teeter on the edge of breakdown. For government, the cost is twofold: the human suffering borne by families, and the financial burden of avoidable crises across social care, education, and health. 

The findings carry important implications at multiple levels: 

  • For families: parents’ mental health declines under unsupported care work, and siblings experience secondary trauma that remains invisible to services. 
  • For systems: a crisis-led, fragmented model means resources are mobilised late, at greater human and financial cost. The Adoption Support Fund, while valuable, is shaped by bureaucratic gatekeeping. Parents described decisions made by staff without sufficient trauma knowledge, leading to inappropriate or stop–start provision. Trauma-informed practice must extend from top to bottom of the system, including commissioners and fund-holders as well as frontline practitioners. 
  • For knowledge and practice: by marginalising adoptive parents’ perspectives, services lose access to vital expertise. This study shows that film-based, participatory methods can surface and revisit lived experience in ways that expose persistent problems and open space for collaborative solutions. 

Recommendations 

Based on these findings, five preliminary priorities for reform are proposed: 

  1. Invest in early relational support – Commission services that intervene proactively, building resilience within the first year post-placement. 
  1. Support the whole family – Embed provision that includes parents’ mental health and siblings’ wellbeing alongside the child. 
  1. Reduce bureaucratic gatekeeping – Simplify and standardise access to the Adoption Support Fund so families can receive timely help. 
  1. Embed trauma-informed practice system-wide – Extend trauma awareness beyond frontline therapists to commissioners, fund-holders, and policymakers. 
  1. Value lived expertise through co-design – Involve adoptive parents directly in shaping provision, policy, and evaluation frameworks. 

Conclusion 

Adoptive families are willing partners in the work of healing trauma. But they cannot do it alone. By using filmed interviews and a co-interpretive process, this study demonstrates both the human and systemic costs of current approaches, and the potential of participatory, trauma-informed methods to generate change. Adoption will remain a sustainable route to permanence only if support is early, relational, and family-centred, and if adoptive parents’ lived expertise is recognised as central to system redesign. 

Claire’s ’emotional touchpoints’ will no doubt resonate with many families, and what we really like about her work is the relevance to practice. The recommendations may seem common sense, but they highlight the very real challenges experienced by adoptive families. Do connect with Claire if you are interested in learning more.

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