As co-founder of We Are Amity CIC, I’m often asked the same question: “Is this parental conflict, or is it something more serious?” When tensions rise at home, it can be hard to distinguish between everyday disagreements and something more harmful. But understanding this difference is vital. It shapes the kind of support we offer, the risks we consider, and the safety we help families create, especially for children. In this article, I explore how to tell the difference between conflict and control and why naming the dynamic matters.
Is it conflict – or something more? Understanding couple relationship dynamics
When tensions between parents rise home, it can be challenging to understand what’s really going on, especially when strong emotions, parenting pressures, or past experiences cloud our judgement.
One of the most common questions families and professionals ask is this:
“Is this conflict between us or is it something more serious, like abuse?”
Understanding the difference isn’t just helpful; it’s essential. It shapes how support is offered, what risks might be present, and how children are protected.
What Is Parental Conflict?
The Department for Work & Pensions released official statistics on the number of children affected by parental conflict in families. The figures showed that 12% of children in couple-parent families had at least one parent who reported ‘relationship distress’ in the 2021 to 2022 survey period. Reducing Parental Conflict – GOV.UK
Parental conflict happens in many families. It often looks like:
- Heated arguments about parenting, money or other stressors
- Shouting, blaming or interrupting during disagreements
- A sense of relationship frustration that builds over time
- Struggling to resolve everyday arguments
In these relationships, both people usually feel able to voice their views, even if those views aren’t always heard kindly. There’s often mutual stress, shared responsibility, and an underlying desire to resolve things, even if that’s not always successful.
These dynamics can still affect children. Ongoing conflict, especially when it’s loud, unresolved, or frequent, can leave children feeling anxious, caught in the middle, or unsure how to express their emotions. We know this impacts their ability to sleep, do well at school and their emotional outcomes. But crucially, there is usually no ongoing fear or deliberate control in these situations.
Example: A separated couple frequently argue over contact arrangements or money. They both express anger, and communication often breaks down, but neither tries to control the other. Both want to find a way forward, even if they’re stuck on how.
What is domestic abuse?
Domestic abuse is different. It’s not about two people disagreeing. It’s a pattern where one person holds power over the other, using fear, control, and manipulation to maintain that imbalance.
It can show up as:
- One person constantly feeling afraid to speak or act freely
- Monitoring phone use, whereabouts, or who someone sees
- Using finances or children to control or punish
- Belittling, gaslighting, or turning others against a partner
- Physical or sexual intimidation, threats, or harm
Unlike parental conflict, abuse often means one person changes their behaviour to keep the peace, while the other’s behaviour goes unchecked. Children in these families may hide their feelings, act as ‘protectors’, or mimic controlling behaviours.
Example: A parent hesitates to speak during meetings because they fear the repercussions at home. They avoid seeking support, knowing their partner reads all messages and accuses them of betrayal. The children speak in whispers, describing the atmosphere as “walking on eggshells.”
Why the lines feel blurry
It feels blurry because there are behaviours in relationships featuring parental conflict as well as abusive ones. Examples of behaviours in both types of relationships can include shouting, swearing, disagreeing, blaming, silence and withdrawal, non-physical and aggression. What matters is the context and intention.
Families don’t always use the word “abuse.” Instead, they say:
- “We’re just not good at communicating.”
- “We both have a temper.”
- “It’s been like this for so long… I don’t even know what’s normal anymore.”
There are reasons people struggle to name what’s happening:
- It’s become ‘normal’: When someone grows up around control or shouting, they might not see it as unusual.
- Fear and shame: Admitting abuse can feel like admitting failure, or risking further harm.
- Control isn’t always obvious: It can be silent, slow-building, and invisible to outsiders.
- People fight back: Sometimes a non-abusive person may shout or react, leading to confusion about who’s to blame.’
But the key question is this…Does one person consistently feel unsafe, unheard, or unable to live freely?
That’s the difference between conflict and control.
Spotting the signs
Here are some signs that point to unhealthy and potentially abusive dynamics:
- One person walks on eggshells; the other dominates.
- Someone changes their behaviour out of fear, not respect.
- Arguments end when one person gives in, not because a compromise is reached.
- There’s constant emotional pressure, threats, or manipulation.
- Children take on adult roles, become anxious, or withdraw.
In contrast, conflict, though uncomfortable, usually allows for mutual input, personal freedom, and emotional repair.
What families and practitioners can do
It’s important not to rush and ‘label’ but not dismiss concerns.
Ask:
- Does each person feel emotionally and physically safe?
- Can both people express themselves without fear?
- Are children thriving or treading carefully?
- Is there a pattern of control, isolation, or fear?
Whether you’re a family member, friend, or professional, your role isn’t to judge but to listen, notice patterns, and create space for change. That might mean conflict resolution support, therapeutic intervention, or, in some cases, safety planning and protective action.
Final thoughts
Conflict and abuse are not the same, but both affect families deeply, especially children. Understanding differences allows for better support, clearer choices, and safer outcomes.
When we stop asking “Who started it?” and start asking “Who has the power?” we begin to see the dynamics more clearly. For some couples, a relationship breakdown is inevitable, and the conflict is often part of that breakdown. For others who want help and stay together, the right support can be transformative. But for those who are experiencing abuse, understanding the early recognition of abusive dynamics can be lifesaving.
Emily Nickson Williams is the co-founder of We Are Amity CIC www.weareamity.co.uk
HOLES IN THE WALL 