We often think about the language we use in work with families where there is harmful behaviour from children, but more usually in terms of what we call it (see this sentence!) or the terms we use to describe the various family members involved. This week I have been reflecting on the difficulties that arise when the language we use as professionals is different to that used by parents. I have written about this before, and included a reference in my book to a blog by Raising Devon where the author talks about the difficulties in getting help while she referred to her child’s behaviour as “tantrums” rather than “rages”.
Working in any field we develop a broad understanding of the resources available to individuals, whether they be universal or highly specialist. We learn the terminology and jargon used to refer to each service; we become familiar with the referral procedures; and we learn how to talk about the issues we are addressing in a way our fellow professionals will recognise. But what if the individual who approaches us for help has no previous experience with our service, has never asked for help before or explored what help there might be more broadly? What if the words they use make sense to them, but are used normally by us to refer to something else? With the best will in the world, we can find ourselves “filling in the gaps” as we make sense of the request, building a narrative version that can quickly assume the status of “facts”, without taking the time to check we are talking about the same thing.
It is a reminder to me to take the time to be curious, to put aside assumptions and check out that what we are hearing is right. We can know this is what we should be doing in our heads. Sometimes it takes a lightbulb moment for it to actually make sense. My lightbulb moment this last week reminded me of a phrase my Nan had in a book of nonsense sayings, which we loved as children:
I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realise that what you heard is not what I meant.
HOLES IN THE WALL 