As part of our series on motherhood, we have the great privilege of hearing from Abi. This is a very personal story, and an important one to hear about.
Ten years ago exactly, I fled my comfortable, affluent south-west London home in the face of continued and increased physical violence, threats of violence, control and intimidation by my then 16-year-old son (his GCSE year) and verbal abuse from my then 19-year-old daughter (enduring her first year at university). I fled because no one helped or explained what was actually going on, and my social circle had been stripped away by their father. I was already estranged from my equally abusive family and, because I’d left my life partner, his too.
I fled because social services declared that “nothing had happened yet” when I phoned for immediate help (as recommended by social services )when I discovered two curved Swedish hunting knives under my son’s pillow and a copy of Andy McNab’s book, “The Good Psychopath’s Guide to Success”. I fled because my GP wouldn’t come near. I fled because six officers from the Metropolitan Police, who arrived at teatime in a small cul-de-sac, declared (after consulting with my children upstairs) that I was the problem and took my children away to be picked up by their dad for a few days, only for the very real and personal threats and/or indifference to continue, nevertheless. Eventually, I left the country and “went travelling” for three months to try and make sense of the unimaginable. I’m still working on that one. Heartbreak and inner conflict doesn’t touch the sides. However, at least I can now put it, when some people do ask what’s gone on, as “I exceeded my use-by date”.
Only recently did I become aware of Helen Bonnick’s book, this website and, therefore, the other online resources and support systems that are out there. It’s such an overwhelming relief to know I’m not actually alone with all this. My latest GP practice and local mental health services are now very open to listening to my opinions and experience, rather than their analysis; which is a big leap forward, in my view. That TV drama is also highlighting this cause is a great help in wording the unwordable. I only have to ask, “Did you watch Adolescence?”
Ten years later, I’m grateful to be very alive, sane and healthy. Many of us don’t make it, quite understandably, or become lost in the psychiatric system and/or — just as painfully — complete loneliness, exhaustion and alienation. I’m glad to be contributing to this conversation and cause. My MP listened to me recently and has presented my/our case in Parliament this session. So, there will be a definition of CAPVA in the upcoming Violence Against Women and Girls strategy. I’ve been promised continued updates and have offered my continued input, as I believe this should go far wider than VAWG, to include fathers as well. However, it is, at least, a start and discussions are being had.
This is just a fraction of what I’d like to say, but I hope it resonates and might help you also make a bit of sense in the chaos of things. Thanks for reading.
Abi Jones
Thank you to Abi for sharing her experience, and I hope by reading her story, you feel less alone if this is similar to your own experiences. The giant leaps forward in understanding that Abi highlight have only been possible thanks to the parents advocating for themselves and sharing their stories with those in a position to create change. We can only hope in the next 10 years we see an even greater shift thanks to women like her.
HOLES IN THE WALL 