Hearing from adopters about living with traumatised young people

In March 2016 I went to Kings Cross to meet with someone I had been talking to on Twitter for a year. Needless to say, my family were horrified! I have just been looking back over our preparatory conversation – lots of nonsense about what we both looked like and whether we would be wearing a rose to recognise each other. Reader, we both survived the experience and became good friends, working together to raise awareness of child to parent violence and abuse and the lack of support particularly for older adolescents and young adults post adoption. 

This last weekend, ‘J’ – because it was her I met, founder of The POTATO Group – and the rest of the POTATO committee, put on a conference in Birmingham: Far, far beyond the adoption order, Lessons from lives impacted by trauma. Organised entirely by themselves, while simultaneously parenting traumatised young people and adults, it was by far one of the most powerful and moving presentations I have ever seen. 

POTATO was formed 11 years ago as a peer support group for adopters of ‘traumatised adopted teens’, at a time when the struggles faced by this group of families were poorly recognised, dismissed even, and there was minimal support available. Many had taken part in the seminal research, Beyond the Adoption Order, which had found that around a third of adoptions went smoothly, around a third had ups and downs but mostly ups, and a third were struggling badly and often broke down with a child re-entering care or otherwise unable to remain at home. Sadly, it seems that little has changed in the last 11 years, with many adopters facing the same struggle to be heard and supported. 

This two-day conference was centred on a series of films where individuals spoke to camera about their experience of adoption, from the original motivation and decision, through matching, hopes and expectations, and then the journey to asking for help when the young person’s trauma experience was lived out in day-to-day life through violence, self-harm, difficulties at school and in the community. There are times when you think you know all there is to know about a subject. Indeed, I have spent the last 20 years listening to parents, researchers, practitioners and young people themselves about the use of violent, harmful and abusive behaviours in the home and towards parents, but to have the stories so concentrated, so ‘in your face’, and to see the courage, the determination and the commitment of the parents was at times overwhelming. There is always more to learn. 

The delegates were by and large from adoption agencies, or from other organisations where adoption was a feature of the work. Amongst us moved a large cohort of adopters and adult adoptees, available to answer questions. We heard keynote speeches from Sir Andrew McFarlane, Sarah Johal and Suzanne Griffiths, and Professor Julie Selwyn. A presentation of recent research delved deeper into the circumstances and every day experiences of families concerned. A series of panel discussions / Q and A allowed for a deeper consideration of the issues, and we were encouraged to consider our own responses and how we would take our learning into future work. 

As always in these moments, I found myself drawn to the truth of both / and, yes / but; not as a reaction to what I heard, but in echoing the voices of many present. Lack of training, lack of funding, lack of awareness, lack of curiosity; high staff turnover, high thresholds, high caseloads; silo-working, particular interpretations of legislation – all contribute to an atmosphere where families feel unheard, shamed and blamed, and ultimately unsupported when children are in crisis.  And yet, there were also stories of amazing workers, individuals who listened and completely understood, professionals who kept at it and helped to bring hope and comfort to families in the long haul, people who enabled parents to keep going in the face of unbelievable pain and fear. 

As the discussion opens out, what will adoption look like in future? I am certainly not qualified to offer suggestions on that, but the need for greater collaboration between different departments, and the importance of relationships in offering positive and meaningful support, rather than a tick-box exercise cannot be denied. Early help, even the assumption that help will be needed pre-matching and placement, trauma-informed AND trauma-responsive help, long term support where the need is there, meaningful ongoing relationships with first family members where this is safe, and better use of Section 20 as part of an overall package of support to allow families to stay together, even when parenting at a distance, were all highlighted. 

There was much to ponder, much to hope for – and new friends to stay in touch with!

Find out more about POTATO via their website (a bit neglected over the last year while the conference was being organised, but still very much worth a look)

Click here to take part in ‘Family Routes’, a new piece of research funded by the DfE looking at growing up in adoptive and special guardianship families where the young person is aged 12 – 25 years. (For families in England)

Read the most recent Adoption Barometer from Adoption UK, published this week, via their website.