Full disclosure – I am huge fan of Sally Donovan’s writing, having stumbled across her early on in my obsession with the issue of children using violence and abuse towards their parents, and so I become madly excited at the news of a new book from her coming out! She has not disappointed me. Sally, and Carly Kingswood who joins her this time round, both write with a gritty honesty, having lived with the subject matter for more years than they would have liked, and are living proof that you can come out of the other end with some degree of sanity, health, and most importantly hope.
The Unofficial Guide to Therapeutic Parenting for Childhood Aggression and Violence is very much written with parents in mind who are struggling with this right now – who might need to read in small chunks, to take a break every now and then to process the content, who want to understand what’s going on and why as well as top tips to help right now, and may only just be holding things together themselves. It is grim but also funny, sweary but also hugely empathetic. There are squirrels* along the way and plenty of advice about what to do when it all kicks off (the most frequently asked question at training sessions in my experience). Right at the start Sally says: “what we are talking about is not simple and it certainly isn’t nice”, but it is certainly real!
There is a small but thankfully growing library of books that deal with this issue, and each written in a different style appealing to different readership and need. Sally and Carly are writing for parents, but their book will undoubtedly be of use to all those close to such a family, whether relatives, good friends and supporters, interested school and youth workers, or anyone open to learning more. After making it clear from the start that this will be a shame-free zone, Sally and Carly challenge parents and carers to think differently about the way they parent children whose behaviour is so complex and disturbing to us. There is an understanding of the child’s needs alongside that of the parents’ needs – how to meet both – and to keep going, and keep going, and keep ……. It will lead you through an understanding of the issue itself, why children behave in this way, what strategies might work at different times, what other influences and contexts do you need to think about, and finally the importance of self-care.
As someone once asked me about my own book – does it have a happy ending? Well yes! Because there is hope, and as we learn more we can change the way we live with and support children towards a more happy and healthy future. There may always be some difficult behaviour – or perhaps the violence and abuse will end completely. For some the solution may be to find a different way of being family; Sally and Carly give reassurance that things can be different – there is hope!
If you are looking for a structured programme of work you have come to the wrong place; and there is no pretence that this is a quick fix. But you have here a suggested route – and a flashlight – from people who have trodden the road before and who can tell you that the destination is worth the effort.
Sally and Carly’s book is available direct from the publisher, all the usual places, or from your local friendly independent book seller.
- Sally Donovan and Carly Kingswood, The Unofficial Guide to Therapeutic Parenting for Childhood Aggression and Violence, 2023, Jessica Kingsley Publishers, ISBN: 9781839970115 £14.99
*Squirrels: see chapter 5, When Things Begin to Escalate.
HOLES IN THE WALL 
Your compassionate approach to parenting shines through in everything you do.