I wrote about the DAC Festival of Practice a month ago, and I was thrilled to receive this poem just now. Records were made of the various sessions in a range of ways, including graphically and through poetry from the spoken word poets who had been invited to participate. Many thanks to Rakaya Fetuga, who took these minutes of our presentation and the ensuing discussion.
A HIDDEN PROBLEM
A stigmatised problem,
a parent-blaming, mother-blaming, victim-blaming problem.
How can a child abuse a parent? And how often can that be the case?
We’re opening our books to a newly acknowledged issue,
only 15 years of research
building and developing to give families the help they need.
We gather to do the work,
brought to this room noticing a gap, brought by personal experience,
or to seek learning, tools and perspective,
hoping to intervene early and with a quality response.
The hidden truth is there are parents suffering abuse from their children
from 25 down to as young as 4 years old.
A pattern of harmful behaviour
That drives a sharp edge through everyday life.
Physical, emotional, property abuse,
to parents, homes, siblings and pets
causing fear and alarm that cannot be ignored.
Is it an increasing issue?
Or just one we are uncovering now?
Inviting parents to come forward
and asking: why?
The causes are as varied as people are,
triggered by abuse or difficulty in the child’s life –
bad health, lack of money, crime.
Damaging messages from society
reflecting through an impressionable mind.
Depleted parents, absent fathers, or those who may as well be absent.
Trauma, substance misuse,
challenges of mental health and neurodiversity.
Entitlement, problems with aggression,
grief and anxiety.
It is a gendered issue, often boys learning abuse from fathers,
a power skew at home throwing everything off kilter.
Even with the abusive parent gone, the imbalance remains.
Mothers reasserting power is like lighting a fire in heavy rains.
But can a child as young as four be labelled a perpetrator? An abuser?
Labels can stick – can form and mould a young person.
How can we help a child peel their actions away from who they are
and step out into a new identity?
Harmful behaviour is born of communication breakdowns.
A child without words, saying: something is wrong! And I need you to help me.
Addressing the issue can change lives, can save lives.
When a pregnant mother loses her husband
and her child, born in grief, rejects her,
replacing his fear of abandonment with aggression,
their home becomes a storm.
But with help to restore compassion
it is allowed to be joyful and warm.
Funding for this work can save money elsewhere,
tackling a weed from the root, and letting children flourish as they should.
Turning a family to a garden of safety and respect
raising understanding where trauma once stood.
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If you are interested in finding out more about Rakaya’s work, you can follow her on Twitter, on YouTube or on her Instagram account.
HOLES IN THE WALL 